Well Internet, life has decided to hand me a couple lemons. and instead of doing all of the fun, positive things that people tell you to do with the lemons life gives you, I'd much rather do this:
Lemon #1
I lost one of the nicest jobs I've ever had. After a month. I suppose I just wasn't filling the old guy's shoes as quickly as they would have liked me to.
Lemon #2
This one is a little more complicated. Part one, isn't completely a lemon, but it definitely turns into one.
Part One:
Lets back up a couple weeks to the middle of May. It just so happens to be the same weekend I lost my job, I had been feeling a little funny and figured it was time to take one of "those tests". And by "those tests" I mean a pregnancy test. After making myself fairly nervous I "do the deed" and lo and be hold, I'm pregnant! So I have a nervous breakdown for a few minutes and it finally sets in and turns into excitement. Fast forward a week later.
Part Two, The Actual Lemon-y Part :
The end of that next week has made me feel more miserable than I probably have in my whole life so far. I woke up that Saturday morning to something no pregnant woman wants to see.
Part of me wonders if I hadn't waited as long as I did this baby would still be alive, but I know in the back of my mind it just wasn't meant to be quite yet. After spending a few hours in the ER that night and the doctors repeatedly telling my it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could do to prevent it, I still couldn't help but feel like it was. I thought back to all the times I did things they say you shouldn't do when you're gonna have a baby, and think if I didn't do that, or if I would have done more of another thing, I'd still be having this baby.
But what makes everything worse, is having to to go through the removal process. Using medication to force the remnants of what was out of me, hurts a whole heck of a lot. And the medication I was given to manage the pain just puts me to sleep, I maybe get to be awake for four or five hours a day. And on the off chance that I'm awake for a while, I'm somewhere off in la-la land and I'm not all there.
I've done it three times now. Hopefully I'm done, completely done, without needing the D&C. But every day I'm losing optimism that it will happen.
But luckily I have a husband that cares for me. Who just wants me to be happy, and tries everything he can think of to help me be that smiling face he's grown to love. I'll get there, I know I will. But having me be a person who is relatively quiet about the bad things that go on in life, is definitely hard for him.
-So this is how I'm talking about it. Where people can find out if they want to, and know exactly how I feel, without the need for me to directly explain it.
Lemon #2
This one is a little more complicated. Part one, isn't completely a lemon, but it definitely turns into one.
Part One:
Lets back up a couple weeks to the middle of May. It just so happens to be the same weekend I lost my job, I had been feeling a little funny and figured it was time to take one of "those tests". And by "those tests" I mean a pregnancy test. After making myself fairly nervous I "do the deed" and lo and be hold, I'm pregnant! So I have a nervous breakdown for a few minutes and it finally sets in and turns into excitement. Fast forward a week later.
Part Two, The Actual Lemon-y Part :
The end of that next week has made me feel more miserable than I probably have in my whole life so far. I woke up that Saturday morning to something no pregnant woman wants to see.
Part of me wonders if I hadn't waited as long as I did this baby would still be alive, but I know in the back of my mind it just wasn't meant to be quite yet. After spending a few hours in the ER that night and the doctors repeatedly telling my it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could do to prevent it, I still couldn't help but feel like it was. I thought back to all the times I did things they say you shouldn't do when you're gonna have a baby, and think if I didn't do that, or if I would have done more of another thing, I'd still be having this baby.
But what makes everything worse, is having to to go through the removal process. Using medication to force the remnants of what was out of me, hurts a whole heck of a lot. And the medication I was given to manage the pain just puts me to sleep, I maybe get to be awake for four or five hours a day. And on the off chance that I'm awake for a while, I'm somewhere off in la-la land and I'm not all there.
I've done it three times now. Hopefully I'm done, completely done, without needing the D&C. But every day I'm losing optimism that it will happen.
But luckily I have a husband that cares for me. Who just wants me to be happy, and tries everything he can think of to help me be that smiling face he's grown to love. I'll get there, I know I will. But having me be a person who is relatively quiet about the bad things that go on in life, is definitely hard for him.
-So this is how I'm talking about it. Where people can find out if they want to, and know exactly how I feel, without the need for me to directly explain it.
Oh Courtney :( I share your pain. I was 8 weeks along when I miscarried around the first week of June. I have been very bitter towards pregnant people and life. I always ask God "Why me?" in hopes of getting an answer. No answer has come. I just moved on and don't want kids anytime soon now. I've decided to focus on myself. My body, my education, my friends, my husband, and maybe one day I'll be ready. But all I feel right now is pain :(
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